September 5th

I am sitting here alone in the dark, like always today was a normal bad day with my depression I thought. But I was wrong, everyday it seems like it gets worse and worse and I have no clue how to make it stop. People say therapy but I have been to three in my 20 years of living. I live with my sister but the other day my dad said what are you going to do after october and to be honest with him I have no clue all I know is in just about a month i will probably be homeless and without any friends to go to. I thought I wouldn't make it to be 21 and I used to joke with my friends about what I would do on my birthday. What I didn't do? I didn't have the heart to tell them that I want to die, the only thing keeping me here now? Its not my sister, parents, or even the hope that life will get better. It is my friends Brandy, I have seen everything that she has gone through and I know me dying would push her over the edge especially after Jeffie died. I can't do that to her, but with the way things are going I don't know if I can keep going for her. I want one person to tell me that I am beautiful and that life will get better but I highly doubt that it will considering I have no job, I can't afford to pay my school back after I failed that classes last semester because I had no way to get to school since I was kicked out, and I can't seem to do anything right according to my mom. My mom, the reason I feel like I need to die, a long time ago she said, " You can do anything you want when you are older even become president." I wish I still had that mom who made me feel cofident about myself, not the mother that I have now that hates me and makes me feel worse about myself than any boy could ever do. I wish my family loved eachother instead of sell one another out when we know a secret. I wish I could feel happy and be the perfect person my family wants to be but I have scars and they are not going away. I mean I don't even know how I let myself get this bad. I know I have done a lot of things I am not very proud of but they just keep coming back to haunt me in ways i didn't think were possible. I know eventually I will go too far and too be honest with you, I know I won't care.

Just fuck everything,everyone, and everywhere.....I fucking hate this computer!

I hate

I hate this one person who I have stood by for years and years and years and he still is an asshole to me. I apparently cannot do anything right, and am fugly, and crazy and a bunch of other things that I apparently did not know about myself. I don't know how to feel so I guess blogging is the only way to get how I feel out without starting a bunch of stupid pointless drama. I just want to be friends with him but I just don't know anymore the way he treats people is just so double standards, the way he treats his gf is just rediculous and then he gets mad when she tries to say that he is pushing her away.....which he is. This stupid bitch that he goes to school with just keeps calling and calling and apparently does not get the idea that he has a girlfriend so she keeps pushing herself on her. Which is making her look like a desperate slut who has never had a boyfriend and I can see why she never has, I mean one look at her and I want to ask her parents why didn't they use a condom when they were having sex? She is ugly in every sense of the word that you can think of. I know this may seem like I am just saying this because I have a "crush" on this friend but the truth is that I do not ever since he and I got into a fight and he said some extremely hurtful things, which for some reason even though he mom told me I need to forgive him, I just can't no matter how hard I try. The cut is just too deep and it will take a long time to heal everything that he has done to me in the past like nine years of our bull shit friendship. If that bitch wants to know what it feels like to have him.....try having a fucking miscariage then the person who got you preggo just says well that sucks and have fun with that. I think I never got angry or upset when that happened to me that it is just all coming out in one swoop. Well I guess that is it, I got all my anger out for now but who know's what will happen in the next few hours or even seconds.

Update

So it has been awhile since I have updated this blog thingy, so I thought why the heck not. Since I have been on here I have gotten kicked out of like three houses including my friends house which she said I could stay there as long as I like but you know what stuff happens and the best thing to do is just get over it and move on. I have started living with my other friends family and need to look for a job very soon or win the lottery either one is fine with me. It has been a hard few months since moving out of my parent's house and onto the street which is very scary and hard to not know where you will be sleeping or what you will be eating that night. Well I guess that is all for now. Peace out!

Fuck Everything

I thought you know what drinking tonight with my best friend won't be that bad i mean we get in the hot tub and just sit there and have a heart to heart. But you know what I guess that is not going to happen since his stupid friend from cu keeps telling him what is happening there and he keeps getting angrier and angrier that he is not there. I am on the verge of saying fuck it and going to be since he is ruining my buzz and making me even more depressed every time he walks into the fucking room....FUCK HIM!

Drinking and Smoking....which is better?

Most of us people who are over the age of 18 have been to college at one point or another. While in college most of us experimented with certain things such as alcohol, but there are the few who have smoked a "dangerous drug" also know as marijuana. This drug which our parents have told us to be above the influence of all drugs. I have heard it from the tv, books, movies, my parents, and for awhile I believed them until i started to open my mind to what this war against drugs is really about.

The United States from 1919-1933 during a time we all know as the prohibition era, a time where it was illegal to sell or have alcohol. But somehow most people found a way around this by opening basement bars, making it in their bathtub, or other ways. By 1933 the US government realized that all this fuss over alcohol was just the propaganda of a group of paranoid mothers and re-legalized alcohol but to those over the age of 21. Although i can argue till the cows come home about how the drinking age should be lowered since you can serve your country at age 18 but not drink a beer. But that is not why i am writing this blog, its to show you the difference between the two main things college student use in their daily life for 4 years of their lives. This difference variety of drink that for some reason has high school seniors excited to go to college just to get a chance to drink and be one of the cool kids, but what does tell our kids that drinking is way better for you than smoking pot do for us? More accidents from drunk driving, more liver failures which lead to them not being able to pay for it which will push for the health care reform which will put us in an even more hard economic place. Alcohols have an odor that is often described as “biting” and as “hanging” in the nasal passages. The hydroxyl group generally makes the alcohol molecule polar. Those groups can form hydrogen bonds to one another and to other compounds (except in certain large molecules where the hydroxyl is protected by steric hindrance of adjacent groups). This hydrogen bonding means that alcohols can be used as protic solvents. Two opposing solubility trends in alcohols are: the tendency of the polar OH to promote solubility in water, and of the carbon chain to resist it. Thus, methanol, ethanol, and propanol are miscible in water because the hydroxyl group wins out over the short carbon chain. Butanol, with a four-carbon chain, is moderately soluble because of a balance between the two trends. Alcohols of five or more carbons (Pentanol and higher) are effectively insoluble in water because of the hydrocarbon chain's dominance. All simple alcohols are miscible in organic solvents. As you can see or even try to understand most alcohol you drink has a complicated scientific problem behind it and the same goes for the hang over you feel the next day after a hard night of drinking. But that is just one of many things that can go wrong while drinking alcohol.

Marijuana, also know as pot or mary jane a drug which most of us have heard from everyone from our parents to the government that it is a very dangerous and addictive drug. But what would you do if I told you that this drug is neither dangerous or addictive? Well hold on to genitalia because you are in for a shocker, this is not dangerous or addictive. What your precious government want you to think is that this natural drug is something that will lead you to something such as heroin or cocaine, all of which is not true since pot is not a gateway drug. There is no possible way to get addicted to it in any way shape or form, I mean you do get the high from it there is no doubt about that but you don't crave it like you would a cigarette as an example. When you look at the facts the harm it causes to your body are very minimal although if you have a heart condition you should probably not smoke it as much as someone who does not have any health problem. While in the long term effect there are little to no problems smoking this will cause, I mean the good thing is some scientist have proven it can reduce the chance head,neck and even lung cancer, although some say it cause further heart problems others say the complete opposite and it had no effect to the heart. Now smoking some kinds will not get you "high" but the measuring of what pot will do is depending on what the thc in it is, the higher the thc is the higher you will get.

Now from the past article, what have conclusion have we come to? Which one is less of a killer? It's not much of a competition....pot will always be the winner between alcohol and even cigarettes. I mean pot is not addictive while the alcohol is extremely addictive, and cause multiple health conditions in people. I would say i would much rather do pot if it was legal although i do not get why it is illegal since the allow alcohol to be legal and that kills millions of people every year. Now people of the internet(or in other words just me) what would you rather do, have an alcoholic beverage which in time will kill you or a few hits or something that will not do anything to you....your choice.

Working,school, homework, life

Work, work, work, thats all we hear about in the daily existance that we call life. We either have to be enrolled in school or we have to work to make money to live. But, for those who cannot afford to go to school and cannot find a job then living is tough.


In todays economy one only has to look around to see the troubles that lies ahead with jobs and health reform. Some people for it and some people are against it. Which side am i on? Well in reality i could not care. It sounds cruel and mean but when you think about it, its everyones fault, we all had a little part in the downfall of our economy. People buying houses and stuff they couldnt afford then not being able to pay the payments on it would lead to bankrupcy which would then lead to the bank/government having to pay for it. I think that people need a good dose of reality in theirs lives in order to see what damage they are causing to the economy, not just to themselves but to everyone in the nation.

People need to wake up from their rose tinted world and see what will happen in the future if they keep spending the way they are.