September 5th

I am sitting here alone in the dark, like always today was a normal bad day with my depression I thought. But I was wrong, everyday it seems like it gets worse and worse and I have no clue how to make it stop. People say therapy but I have been to three in my 20 years of living. I live with my sister but the other day my dad said what are you going to do after october and to be honest with him I have no clue all I know is in just about a month i will probably be homeless and without any friends to go to. I thought I wouldn't make it to be 21 and I used to joke with my friends about what I would do on my birthday. What I didn't do? I didn't have the heart to tell them that I want to die, the only thing keeping me here now? Its not my sister, parents, or even the hope that life will get better. It is my friends Brandy, I have seen everything that she has gone through and I know me dying would push her over the edge especially after Jeffie died. I can't do that to her, but with the way things are going I don't know if I can keep going for her. I want one person to tell me that I am beautiful and that life will get better but I highly doubt that it will considering I have no job, I can't afford to pay my school back after I failed that classes last semester because I had no way to get to school since I was kicked out, and I can't seem to do anything right according to my mom. My mom, the reason I feel like I need to die, a long time ago she said, " You can do anything you want when you are older even become president." I wish I still had that mom who made me feel cofident about myself, not the mother that I have now that hates me and makes me feel worse about myself than any boy could ever do. I wish my family loved eachother instead of sell one another out when we know a secret. I wish I could feel happy and be the perfect person my family wants to be but I have scars and they are not going away. I mean I don't even know how I let myself get this bad. I know I have done a lot of things I am not very proud of but they just keep coming back to haunt me in ways i didn't think were possible. I know eventually I will go too far and too be honest with you, I know I won't care.